🦋

I was very wrong about a lot of things. And the more I am being stubborn about them, the more irreversible everything becomes. I said then that I was prepared to fail. But without actually rolling the dice and taking any risks, I would never had any chance to change.

It took a bitter wake-up call from someone whom I dislike to realize this. Well, more of a repeated slaps in the face actually. Didn't know how much I needed that before. Like being awaken from a deep summer nap. With a bucket of frozen water.

It might be a little bit too late now. But, whatever happens from now on, at least I can live better knowing that I at least will have tried this time. Hopefully. Not running away in fear for once.

I am thinking of a good analogy to describe this situation. Leap of faith? Wait, no, I already fell into the pit. Going against your programming? Yeah, I think that works better. Thematically fitting.

Nothing prepares me for this. Every cell in my body wants me to stop this madness. But, in a time like this, insanity is hardly a rare sight anymore. And maybe my sanity is not even sane in the first place.

So, wish me luck, I guess? I think I'm going to need a lot of it.

I'm sorry in advance for a lot of things to come.

Update: This turned out to be a very bad idea. Lord help me.

I feel like throwing up all the time and I have a hard time falling asleep. My stomach can't handle me not being a coward.

Is it better to live in doubts or die liberated of all your fears.

Day 2 of this and I've never felt so embarrassed and vulnerable (?) in my whole life. I'm happy that I've tried but I want to slam my head against the wall everyhour now.

Day 5 (probably) and now I'm 90% sure I've made a mistake by doing this. I'm not ready for this, mentally nor physically. I'm still doing it though. I think I'm going to get sick soon.

I once also said that "if I can survive this, I'm sure as hell I can survive anything." Now is the time to find out if I was right or I was just spouting nonsense.

Okay, some of my endeavors eventually paid off in some way. Although I've never felt so shameless like this lol. But maybe this is good in the long run.

 🦋

Okay, enough with the breakdown.

On a lighter note, I finally figured out how to do a two-way databinding in Android. Took me long enough. It's pretty cool. Like controlled form in React, but much faster (so far). Now I just have to figure out how to work on the authentication part. The current codes are way too redundant and bug-ridden. And also the paging stuff.

🦋

I didn't get to touch any books lately. Didn't get to write anything either. Work has been at its peak last month. But that's not the main reason for these regressions. It's the anxiety again. As cliche as it sounds. As ridiculuous as it is, I could not allow myself to enjoy anything. Everything's out of my control nowadays. And to be honest, I think I should just learn to laugh it off. Seeing the silver lining as a funny cruel joke.

I forgot; I did manage to finish Hyperion actually. It's super cool. The scholar's story is especially exceptional. I love it.