When writing about oneself, one must strive to be truthful. Truth is more important than modesty.
~ Roald Dahl

🦋

Let's do another round of this self-diagnostic thing.

Last time was about failures and taking risks. I uncharacteristically chose to write a Journal in the middle of the month, knowing full well that if I didn't do it at that moment, I would lose my wit by the end of the month when I was supposed to write one normally. It was in the middle of the night when I was suddenly fueled with an irrational frustration of myself and decided to do things I would never imagine myself doing at all before. And that is to just take a step forward and fall into whatever dangerous caves the dark pit in front of me leads to. The journal was written to make sure that I didn't back down on this raging and spontaneous conviction.

I was frustrated of myself. Of the now immutable decisions that lead me to this path. Of the things that could and should have been. Of neglected opportunities and lost times.

And I don't want to feel that way anymore. I want to believe in my own future again. To relight the long-forgotten hope and passion.

And as expected, it's really hard to do this, deliberately taking uncalculated risks and exposing yourself between the range of a small embarassment to a total self-destruction of one's identity. So far the worst hasn't happened yet and despite the embarassment, I think some of it might be worth it. But I was't joking when I said I wanted to smash my head against the wall every hour. The embarassment is unbearably real and sucked up all my energy just thinking about it. I wish there was another way, but I know this is the only way for now. I need to push hard and pushing I do.

It's hilarious how this all turned out. Maybe pitiful if seen from other perspective. But it gets easier when I don't think about things too much. To just live in the present and enjoy things to the fullest. See where the old naughty universe washes me ashore.

📚

I managed to finish some books this time. Two fictions and two non-fictions. One of the fictions is The Fall of Hyperion and it has been an absolutely amazing experience. Apparently there are at least two other books from this series, Endymion and The Rise of Endymion. If I'm not mistaken, the story is set years after end of The Fall of Hyperion. I hope they're as good as the first two books.

Speaking of fictions and fantasy specifically, I still have many series on my fantasy grocery list that I want to read but haven't been able to get my hands on. The most popular would be The Lord of the Rings and Game of Thrones. I'm still trying to finish another series from a relatively smaller author (compared to Tolkien and George R. R. Martin anyway) and it will probably take months to do so considering the world situation now and how lazy I am sometimes. I'm not gonna name the author as it will be some kind of special event for Saturday Book Review later this year. It's going to be a lot fun!

There are also a lot interesting science-fiction books/series that I haven't read yet. Dune (I have only read the first book), The Name of the Wind (is this a sci-fi?), Brave New World, The Left Hand of Darkness, The Expanse, and many many more. Lord have mercy on my wallet.

💻

I've been taking a break from touching anything related to work for at least a week now because it's supposed to be holiday anyway. Tomorrow I'm going to start again as usual.

To be honest, I don't know what I should do about work. It's been uncertain, to say the least. It happens from time to time. And maybe this is the worst one that had happened yet. But, I'm trying to approach things differently this time. As with other things in my life, I want to not be myself in handling this situation. Doesn't make any sense, right? I know. But, the point is I always have certain problems with myself and with how I handle things in my life including work, and I'm trying to fix them right now by doing things that I wouldn't normally do.

'Discipline, patience, optimism, humility'. These are the things I'm trying to do now. Simple, clear, and fundamental. You can infere easily what problems I'm trying to fix by looking at these things.

I just hope this work because this month is probably the worst month of 2020 for me. In addition to the world situation right now, more bad things happened to worsen the situations. Our dear cat. My job. And other stuff too. Emotionally, however, I've never felt so relieved in my entire life. When I started opening up about things (not just work), I've been getting nothing but love and supports from the people around me. I just hope one day I could repay them everything they've given me.

This is maybe the worst possible moment to start over things, but I think I can do this.

🐢

The gray giant turtle closes its weary eyes and the cycle begins anew.